Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Truth # 1: I am far from attractive...

Though I like to sometimes convince myself otherwise, most of the time, deep down, I know that I am not the most attractive person in the world. And I am not only talking physically.

I have struggled with weight all my life; and though I don’t think I ever fell under the obese category, I have never truly known what it feels like to be skinny (but I desperately want to – there, I’ve said it!) I know that we are constantly being bombarded with images and ideas of what an ideal weight should be – but they are lying to us and it sickens me. Any magazine I look at all I see are unhealthy girls with their ribs sticking out and waists so tiny they can easily wrap their long stringy fingers around them. Why are they doing this to us? And why are we falling for it? Why is it that we support an industry that tells us we are less than what they consider beautiful? I don’t understand this. And yet I do it. And it’s not only buying magazines. It’s trying out the fad diets (that we know, though won’t admit, are not good for us); it’s exercising until we pass out to fit into a smaller sized pair of jeans. It’s living on water and crackers just to punish ourselves for eating that bag of potato chips the night before. It’s figuring out the correct angle and light in pictures that we take with our friends, and getting down that pouty model face pose to make us look our best, though 99% of the time we don’t look like that at all. Imagine us walking around with our model faces on all the time – we’d look like a bunch of idiots!!!

I can now say that I have done tons of research on healthy living, healthy eating, and a more positive outlook on life. These all contribute to a better me – and yet it is the most difficult transition to make. We have created this horrible society of quick fixes and immediate results – and we are killing ourselves doing it. Why have we become so obsessed about the way we look? Is it to fit into those trendy tops that only look good on a stick?

What bothers me is that we are all aware of this (unless you’re a teenager and haven’t had the countless experiences of failing point blank). What bothers me is that we are so in denial; we’ll scream in the midst of our two-hour elliptical training that we’re doing it to be healthy – WE ARE SUCH LIARS!!! What we really want is to look like them. Maybe then we’ll be happy. But we all know we won’t.

I know that there those out there who will say it’s all about making money. The fad diets are out there to cash in on those poor slobs who are ten or a hundred pounds overweight. The fashion trends are constantly changing so that last years military look is so passé today (even though last year it was the look to wear)*, so you are forced to go out and buy this years shoulder pads and high-waisted pants. It all just makes me so sick.

Besides my weight, there are other factors that contribute to my lack of attractiveness (if that’s even a word). My hair is long and thin (but if I cut it short it will make me look even more fat). I have big knuckles that make me look like I have manhands (but I attribute this to eight or nine years of judo where my hands went through torture and suffer greatly from swelling and some form of arthritis). I have huge calves! They’re massive! They make me look like a bodybuilder – not the graceful elegant woman that I would like to be. I have skin problems, and bags under my eyes – but to be honest, I refuse to put on too much make-up to cover up these imperfections – I know it will only make things worse.

Of course these are all physical things – but let’s get back to what we are here for anyway. I am coming to terms with myself and am being open and honest with myself. I am not the most attractive person on the inside either. I can be quite a bitch sometimes. I am not very open to newcomers. I do like to put others down to make myself feel better (admit it, we all do). There are people that I avoid like the plague (though they are deemed ‘friends’). There are places I avoid like the plague because I don’t want to be associated with the likes of those that hang out there. I am liar. I am conniving. I am lazy. And I don’t care much for anything.

And there it is. I have now listed the reasons I am unattractive. And I am coming to terms with myself. One truth at a time.

*This is just an example – I don’t know if last year the military look was in, and I could care less.

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